i'm tired of excuses and what they do to me

i just finished a book. well, last night i did. the book in question was a million little pieces by James Frey. and yes, this is an oprah book. (moment of silence.) but two facts remain: 1. i knew about the book before the oprah sticker was put on it and its sales therefore skyrocketed, so i can still inwardly/outwardly smirk that i knew about this book before it was put in oprah's book club. 2. the book is amazing anways, and you should read it.

the book chronicles the author's six week stint in rehab where he is trying to overcome his addiction to Alcohol and Crack. it is an overwhelmingly powerful book and will make you question if you've ever really truly struggled with something in your life. the author's descriptions of his mental and physical anguish, of the weird and awful and wonderful people he met in the Clinic, are straightforward and truthful. at no time does James Frey avert his eyes from the horrors he sees or has seen; he looks into the darkest darknesss for that is where the truth lies.

for me the book revealed how much comfort i have in life, how much comfort we have in our society, and how this has made us a soft and weakened people. as i type this, i am sitting on a couch in my room that i have solely because of the kindness of my family, and the fact that they have the means to let me live here. i have a well-paying job. i do not worry for food or drink. i am wearing good headphones, have a wireless connection and a tv. i am thankful for all these things and i like them all. i have all i could ask for.

these are all comforts; these are all distractions.

i do not like the days when i am in the house and i think: "i should write. i should play bass. i should work on grad school stuff." and then i am so tired or lazy that i don't do any of these things. blah blah blah. things i probably shouldn't tell you. i'm a lazy person. i wonder what my life would be like if i had the determination that James Frey showed in his recovery. if i had the will to do anything like that. i like to think that i could. i admire this author because he appears to know the depth of his weakness and the depth of his strength. i admire him deeply because he lives with determination and without fear. he came so close to death, but he learned how to live. i have not come so close to death, and i have not faced many terrible struggles in my life yet. they will come, i know they will. but the everyday struggles, the struggles to live the life i want to live---which does not include excessive amounts of tv, food, or any other form of apathy---these must be confronted and beaten.

all that is needed to live the life i want to live is a decision, followed by action, with the determination to see it through to the end.