grad school so far

i've been in grad school for almost 3 months now. i guess you could say i enjoy my class, though it gives me a lot of anxiety.

my first day of class, as i was sitting there with a couple of the other people who got there early, the professor told me point-blank that this was an advanced course and i may want to consider dropping b/c i would be expected to do advanced reading and writing. but i'm pig-headed, not to mention very interested in the topic of the course, so i just kept coming to class.

but to be honest the experience has been very trying. so far, i'm doing this very much alone, which is a far cry from my undergrad experience. i feel isolated. granted, i do not do much to change this or encourage others to speak to me. we sit in a circle, and i am usually one desk removed from the closest person to me. however, the two people with whom i did engage with in class moved to the other side of the room at the next class. i took it as evident that i should not migrate with them. and all this is coupled with other factors, like the fact that i came into the program at an odd quarter, that all these people had been in classes with one another for over a year, and so on. there are all sorts of factors.

but generally, i don't know if i could say that i enjoy this class in some respects. i don't feel as if i provide adequate or interesting enough input. i watch carefully how my comments are taken in class when compared to others. the others build upon one another, adding to the discussion in a way that seems organic. my comments seem dead on arrival. nothing is built on my comments, by the professor or the other students. i try to make my comments relevant, but i suppose i somehow fail at that. i have a hard time feeling as if i belong in class. maybe i don't. but i'm too far committed and have paid too much for the class to back out now.

the work thing and the school thing. it's a lot.