meltdown

i am very, very upset.

somehow, despite the fact that i had signed up for the GRE at 1:00, they had me down for the 9:00 time. i learn this at 8:20 this morning. the test center is at least an hour away. i drive furiously in hopes of getting there by 9:30, and don't make into the town until 9:38. screwed.

i walk in and find out that there's no way for me to take the test at 1:00 today and no way to even get a refund. screwed. so that's that. i couldn't take the GRE. the test i've been devoting (or trying to devote) all my spare time to for the past month or so.

i want my month back.

i am angry. at myself for being a total idiot and angry at God. i have tried to place my trust in him so many times in the past two years and each time whatever i try to give wholly to him he gives back to me broken. i trusted him with this test. i am angry today, and i am not supplicant. pray for your friend blake the heretic, but i cannot hide these feelings i have. please do not ask me to. today i am angry. do not ask me to be otherwise.

eventually, i will lose my anger. but not today. not now.