revelation

i realized today for about the 40,000th time since my birth that i am a complete and utter waste of human life. no, i'm just kidding. the real number's considerably higher.

i am no good at doing what i want/ought/should do. i forget important things, like calling my friends and parents--i'm terrible at writing thank you notes. i don't love as much as i should. i feel little compassion. i hide in fantasy and daydreams, in fear of reality. i doubt; my every thought and action is not enough. i am regret and self-pity. i am despicable, and not worthy any mercy. there is no good in me, and i fear God. i wonder if he has left me, and would find no true fault in him if he did.

and i doubt even this.